D-I-V-O-R-C-E

don't know how big this was on the news in America, if any of you know this story or not but it stuck a bit of a chord with me here.

Here is a probably too-quick summary of what I've read...

So we start with a man from Tennessee and a woman from Japan. They had two kids, 6 and 8, and they lived together in Japan for a while. Eventually they moved to America and after some issues, they got divorced. Nothing too crazy going on here, yet. So in their divorce the Mom got custody but they Dad was still in the picture. The dad, though, worried that the mother was going to take the kids and return with them to Japan and he'd never get to see them. She wrote him some strongly worded email about how she was going to take them back to Japan because it was hard watching them lose their Japanese identity in America. I can see why she'd be upset, still, not a smart thing to write. Well, in order to prevent this, necessary precautions were taken in court. If she left with the kids to Japan, all financial ties would be terminated for child support and education funds from the father. Also, if she fled, he would be granted full custody of the kids in America. The mother apologized for her email and said she was just upset and shouldn't have written that. Though, I guess later when they questioned whether she planned on fleeing the country she wouldn't really answer straight.

I don't think anyone is doing anything "wrong," I mean, people divorce and divorces are typically pretty dirty things. I guess I shouldn't say no one is doing anything wrong but so far everyone is equally wrong.

The court said it was ok for the Mom to take the kids on a trip to Japan over the summer, but the dad was nervous about it. They went and returned safely to start school. School started and on the first day, the dad got a call saying his kids weren't at school. After some phone calls the dad called his ex-wife's father in Japan. He said "Don't worry, they kids are here and they are safe." Uh oooooooooooooooh.

He decided to hop on a plane and go to Japan and get his kids back.

He got to Japan, he found his ex-wife walking the kids to school and he was like "Get in the car!" They hopped in and drove off to the closest U.S. Embassy. He parked and was steps away from the Embassy when the cops stopped him and arrested him for child abduction. He got thrown in Jail.

Then it got complicated... The father was a Japanese citizen. The kids also had Japanese passports. The father and the wife were STILL married in Japan, technically. If he went to Japan and just lived there to be near his kids, it wouldn't really work out because when people get divorced in Japan, apparently there isn't a western-style custody type-o-thing where kids get to see both parents. The only person who gets custody is the mother, the father is outta the picture. Another big issues was that Japan wasn't part of the 1980 Hague Convention which basically makes it so that if someone steals kids from one country and escapes to another, the government will send them back to their country safely. (Even though Cuba isn't part of the Hague Convention, the case is kind of similar to what happened with Elian Gonzales... the mom took him and went to America, she died on the journey so Elian went to his great-uncle in Miami. America kept him until the father was like "What? are you crazy! Give me back my son." and so we sent in guys with massive guns to retrieve and terrify the little kid so he could go home safely. Maybe not the best retrieval plan, but he got back to his father safely.) Anyway, this dad-in-Japan was basically screwed. He was in jail in Japan, the odds were totally against him and he might be facing up to 5 years in prison.

He got released after a few weeks in Jail. He wasn't charged for child abduction (which would have given him a few years in prison) and Japan said they were going to work with the family to solve the issue of international child custody. They even said they will reevaluate the 1980 Hague Convention (whether they actually mean what they say, we'll see, but it sounds like they're playing fairly.)

By the way, this was never ever mentioned on the news here. When asked why it didn't even make local news where it occurred, the newspaper said "Because this is NOT news."

So there was a lot to digest and there were some decent points from both sides as to who is wrong and who is right. The thing that kind of surprised me after this, though, was that apparently this type of story isn't all that uncommon. After reading this story, a bunch of other similar ones surfaced. Including one where a mother took one of two children back to Japan with her. The Dad didn't try to abduct the kids though, smart on his part... but he still has the odds against him. The mother, in Japan, gets to keep the kid because SHE is the mother. If he takes the other kid with him to Japan, the mom could take the second kid too because if they're divorced, the kid is technically hers. Meanwhile, the dad hasn't seen his daughter in years and is upset that if she saw him now, she wouldn't really know who he is.

It's so insanely complicated that it's hard to really tell what the actual biggest problem is...

I think the few things I can conclude from all of this is that...

1) My parent's divorce was/is a messy thing but not THIS messy, daaaaaaang. I think at the hardest of times I think my parents divorce could be compared to the feeling you get 10 minutes before you can eat dinner at a long terrible passover seder. The 10 minutes stretch on and on and it feels you're never going to "get there," everyone is irritable (even grandparents), you keep thinking "I HAVE HEARD THIS STORY A MILLION TIMES, THIS PART ISN'T EVEN THAT IMPORTANT!!!!!!! LET'S GET GOING!!!" and even though you know that dinner is coming soon, after dinner you have a whole second half of the seder to come and all the wine at the table can't make that seem worth it... that's what I'd my divorce experience compare it to. I don't think that comes anywhere close to a Japanese jail! I mean seriously, talk about making unnecessary sacrifices, DAMN! (I will admit, I think either of my parents would sit in a Japanese jail for their kids but I don't think either would prefer that method, even though it would seriously give them the greatest guilt-trip ever. "I sat in a Japanese JAIL for WEEKS to see you and now you go and cancel dinner with less than 24 hours notice!?! The only words I knew were 'white,' 'New Years,' 'thank you' and 'airplane' it was impossible!" or "No no, it's FINE if you don't want to spend thanksgiving with MY side of the family, even though I am the one who sat in a foreign JAIL for you for TWO WEEKS! it's fine, go enjoy thanksgiving with your FATHER." and sometimes I think my parents sometimes like to pretend the other is forcing the other into Japanese jail when really they are like "Should I put this under my name or yours?".)

2) Don't try and kidnap your kids from Japan or any country for that matter.

3) Japan maaaaaaaybe should take a second look at it's custody customs. I don't want to criticize Japan for their different way of thinking, but I think this one might be a little bit old fashioned for this day and age. I had a long talk with one of my old host moms about divorce in Japan. What she said was (Note, I'm not speaking for all of Japan here...) if a marriage turns sour in Japan, the couple typically doesn't divorce because the kids won't ever see the father, the house will be lost, and the mother would have to get a job to support the family and it's just too much. In fact, she went on to say that she and her husband probably should be divorced but were together for convenience and the for the kids... talk an awkward moment in the conversation. Divorce sucks, but I think I can honestly say that after the initial problems from divorce, seeing both of my parents happy was pretty darn nice... sure, problems still come up, but you get twice as many birthday celebrations. (Though one could argue that every holiday season the tug o' war that occurred with who will be spending what holiday who makes the extra birthday cake less of a reward.)

I really think the whole "both parents seeing the kids (if both parents are sane mentally-healthy people)" is a pretty nice way to keep both parents happy (or equally unhappy) and allows the kids to know both parents. Which is, ya know, nice.

So I probably left out some details and I didn't want to judge either of the parents, obviously both of them made some serious mistakes, but I dunno, I just thought it was an interesting and complicated issue worth of a blog entry. Like I said, divorce stories strike a chord with me...

Also, real quick, show of hands... who actually reads these? Not that I'm not thankful for my the comments my parents leave but it's pretty much ONLY them that comment... it's exciting to know when people read these so don't hesitate to comment!