Karaoke 101

So, this weekend I had a horrible Karaoke experience. The people I went with made it awkward by picking songs no one knew and so we were forced to listen to them sing. Lets get one thing straight. No one's really GOOD at Karaoke. People are good singers, but there's no such thing as being "good at Karaoke." In fact, I think the better singer you are, the worse you are at Karaoke. I haven't done enough research to prove that... but I'm almost positive it's true... I'm going to explain to you how Karaoke goes here in Japan.

FIRST, lets explain the difference between Japanese Karaoke and American Karaoke... they're very different... Instead of going to a bar, getting drunk, and singing in front of everyone at the bar, you go to a special Karaoke place that has tons of rooms; you get drunk THERE and then sing in front of your friends. Smaller crowd... It's basically like renting a small party room that has a giant Karaoke Machine in it with a TV and mics and stuff. Then you flip through a computer of songs and program them yourself. You pick whatever song, you pick the key and the speed. Everyone is always embarrassed to go at first then after a couple of people have gone you start to realize "I'm SOOOO much better than that person, they pick bad songs..." so you try and pick a song and perform then someone else thinks "I'm better than THAT person" and they try and pick a song. Then you get into duets and what not and everyone tries to one up the other person by picking bad 80s and 90s songs that were number one hits... the songs get worse, the people get more drunk, and the singing gets worse... it's a vicious circle or as the Japanese call it 悪循環 (Akujunkan). Maybe it's my American competitiveness that turns Karaoke into a contest/battle, but it's all friendly because I'm a really bad singer. BUT, I don't tend to drink much at karaoke so I end up winning (in my head) because everyone gets too drunk to sing by the end.

There's a real art to picking Karaoke songs. First, throw all your morals about music out the window. When you go to Karaoke anything is fair game. Spice Girls, Hanson, Hall and Oates, Neil Diamond, Boyz II Men, you get the idea... This is especially hard for people who are serious about music. We tend to think that we know all of the "good songs" but we tend to be troubled when we get into a Karaoke booth... think of it like when you write a speech. You have to write for your audience. If you pick songs that you like but other people probably don't like, you'll kill the party. If you know what everyone picks, you'll be a Karaoke star. You're basically allowed one obscure songs per Karaoke session. If you pick two, no one will want to invite you to Karaoke ever again...EVER. There are some staples when it comes to Karaoke, ones you do almost every time. Other choices depend heavily on what that person can pull off. You don't want to do songs that are too hard for you but you don't want to do easy boring songs. Let me go through a small run-through of a typical well-paced Karaoke session for you...there are highs and lows, you rarely get through one without some type of passive-aggressive argument


1) Everyone is embarrassed to go first so someone picks something to go first. It's usually a Beatles song. Everyone half-ass sings it. We all laugh nervously.

2) Someone else picks another oldie like Neil Diamond "Sweet Caroline." No one, except the person who picked it, knows the words to the verse but everyone knows the chorus.

3) Someone decides to get "funny" and picks a Britney Spears tune, most likely "Toxic". One other person in the group will be like "WHAT?? WHO PICKED THIS?? NO NO NO! HAH! NO WAY! WHO PICKED THIS?? MIKE!! WHY DID YOU PICK THIS?" <--That person will be singing the loudest by the end. It turns out to actually work and everyone starts to get into it.

4) People are barely feeling their alcohol but start to get warmed up. Someone picks "ABC" by Jackson 5. Everyone knows this but realize it's a lot harder to sing than one thought. It's too late though because someone else cued a bunch of Michael Jackson songs.

5) Someone picks a song from the Lion King, Little Mermaid, or Aladin. Half of the people get mad, half of the people claps their hands and go "ohmygod!ohmygod!" These people were probably drama nerds in high school. Everyone ends up singing the songs by the end.

6) One person who hasn't been singing yet usually steps up to the plate at this point because they're drunk. They usually end up being bad technically but really funny so everyone loves it. Someone gets jealous and decides to one up them...

7) The jealous person picks that REM song that goes "It's the end of the world as we know it." I hate this person. This song is annoying. Stop picking it at Karaoke, no one cares that you can say the words first. You spent too much time learning it.

8) Depending on how drunk everyone is, it might be time for "Born To Run" and if it is, it's glorious. Not everyone will know the words, probably two out of the 10 people even know this song. But it's always a crowd pleaser.

9) Stop. Hammer Time.


*(If you didn't get this you're about 18 years late... watch this http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=b9nptjUs9FM)


10) Living On A Prayer - Bon Jovi. There's always some guy who has a wicked falsetto and can really nail the choruses. This song rocks and sucks so much.

11) Don't Stop Believin' - Journey. This is pretty much the slowest you're allowed to go, there are few exceptions.

12) A person takes an attempt at a Japanese song. It's a 50% chance they'll fail. Science has proven this statistic. Either way they look like they're trying to be better than everyone else and people are like "ugh..." but everyone also drunk and we all laugh and shoot each other looks like "who does this guy/girl think they ARE???"

13) Someone picked the Aerosmith song from Armageddon, someone cancels it half way through.

14) Someone cancels the Celine Dion Titanic song when the title comes up and before the music even starts. That was a close one.

15) People are getting annoyed because we keep canceling songs. But it's their fault for picking bad songs. So someone picks another Beatles to reconcile and everyone is happy.

16) This is usually when I rip through a real meaty version of "It's Raining Men." Feel free to criticize but I have yet to sing this song with a good group of people and NOT get a great reaction. It's so great when on the giant TV screen in front of a group of people it says "It's raining men, Hallelujah, It's raining men, Amen! I'm gonna go out, and let myself get ABSOLUTELY SOAKING WET!" I'm telling you people LOVE this song. Remember, throw your morals out the window.

17) The night is winding down so we pick "September" by Earth, Wind, and Fire. Everyone kinda sings it but they're all really drunk and really tired and covered in sweat.

18) Everyone is half asleep and we listen to an instrumental version of "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia. Good choice, too bad it's an hour late... Someone says "lets go."

We would then spend twenty minutes figuring out how to pay for it at the counter. One person pays for everyone and everyone tries to figure out how much they owe them. Then they realize that someone actually had put extra money in and wants money back... ugh... I wish this was easier. But we all laughed and cried our way through a few hours of Karaoke. There are some other ones that tend to show up, but those are pretty standard choices.

I hope you now have a better idea of what to pick for Karaoke. Don't pick obscure songs. If you want to pick a Stevie Wonder song pick "Superstition" or "I Wish" or something that everyone knows. Don't pick a "Village Ghetto Land" or something else that no one else knows. Don't be afraid of picking Ace of Base, but DO be afraid of the video that someone will take of you singing it and realize you never even looked at the lyrics on the screen because you still know all the words.

Note:
Things tend to change if a Japanese person is present (even more so if many are present.) It actually tends to get more fun because the "good singers are less fun" rule doesn't apply to them. A lot of them tend to be pretty rockin singers, especially at Karaoke so they bring the group energy up.

On my cue for the next session:
Kiss from a rose - Seal
You Make My Dreams Come True - Hall and Oates
Virtual Insanity - Jamiroquai
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler
Sweet Child Of Mine - Guns n' Roses
Born To Run (of course) - The BOSS (Bruce Springsteen)



In action...

Take care everyone.